“Everyone Wants a Village, But No One Wants to Be a Villager”

In a psychological study in 2018, some scientists figured out that people who live in the United States tend to be more individualistic because they are inclined to prioritize personal independence and goals over the needs of the collective. This is not the case in other countries, like Japan (whose citizens tend to prioritize mutual obligations and social harmony over their own self-interests). In the United States, identity is self-defined; however, in Japan, it is heavily tied to social roles. While I do not believe that the United States’ focus is inherently negative, there are unintentional side effects from emphasizing individuality. In my opinion, one of those ripple effects is that our support systems might be weaker. I routinely see this quotation on my TikTok timeline: “Everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager”. The truth ringing out in this sentence is that we tend to focus on ourselves more than other people. However, support systems are vital to our physical and emotional survival. So, how do we fix this? The goal of this blog post is to share some simple ways that you can become a better villager for the people you love.

Simply Show Up!

I think that we discount the power of simply showing up for people. With current technology, we have gotten accustomed to everything being super convenient. Hungry? Order food via DoorDash. Need a ride? Request an Uber. Looking for advice? Ask Google. Almost everything is a few clicks away. While this technology has made many parts of life easier, they have also trained us to expect (and even demand) convenience from every facet of our lives. But some of the most important things in life cannot be reduced to convenience. Showing up might seem ordinary, but in a culture that consistently and increasingly prioritizes efficiency, it has become a remarkably powerful and human gesture. It cannot be outsourced. I see this true act of kindness in my friend Sarah. She has been my go-to person for the past year and a half. When my uncle was in the hospital, she wrote me a beautiful note to show her support. Sarah made dinner for me more nights than I can count when I was too tired to even think about food. Sometimes, I think that we place more emphasis on the negative events, but you should also show up during milestones and accomplishments. When I passed my Honors Thesis defense, Sarah was ready afterwards with a hug and a decorated ice cream cake. I am so grateful that she was willing to drive me around St. Louis to gather donations for a fundraiser with the MS Society. Even though Sarah would never admit it, I am sure that it was sometimes inconvenient to show up for me. However, she was always willing to be physically and mentally present when it mattered. There is so much value in that. I think that we have a lot to learn from Sarah, who is always there for me whenever I need or want her.  

Give Without Expectation

It is almost impossible to have expectations. You pick a college with the expectation that it will help you get a good job. When you start a new job, you have expectations about what it will be like to move up the ranks. You become friends with people in hopes that they will be by your side on your wedding day. However, sometimes when we love people, we should try to give without expectations. When a friend from college was going through a hard time, I would always start my texts by saying, “No pressure to respond to this message…”. This is because I know how hard it can be to return text messages when you are going through a difficult time, especially one that includes death. For me, this is a way to offer support without expecting that this person should offer up personal details about the situation or take time away from something important in order to give me a well-crafted response. In these moments, the goal is simply to let someone know that they are loved and that they do not need to carry their burden alone. When we remove expectations from our acts of kindness, our relationships often become deeper. We remove the pressure not only from other people but from ourselves. One of the most significant gifts we can give other people and ourselves is the assurance that care is not defined by reciprocation. (I will talk a little bit more about people who mistreat this relationship, but this sentiment does not apply to most people!) Our relationships should not include a scoreboard about whose “turn” it should be to help out. Instead, we should realize that we are on the same team. 

Love Out Loud

Everyone has a different definition of what it means to be “loved out loud”. For one person, that could mean bringing flowers to their graduation or their daughter’s dance recital. For another, the idea of getting flowers (literally or metaphorically) makes them break out in hives. My definition of loving out loud might not match with someone else’s. I have come to understand that a good villager is willing to put in the work to figure out how you prefer to be loved out loud. In my opinion, my best friend Maya is the perfect example of what it means to love someone out loud. There are countless stories I could share about Maya because (1) she is such a wonderful friend as well as a fantastic villager and because (2) I have known her for the past sixteen years. One time, I had sent Maya a TikTok about a pair of friends going to Pandora and getting matching pinky rings. Then, for my Christmas present that year, Maya took me to Pandora and we got matching pinky rings! Maya remembered something that I had sent her months before and made sure that she got me a Christmas gift that I would love more than anything else. Loving out loud does not mean that it has to be public. It means doing something that makes the other person feel seen and known in a way that matters to them. During all of our years of friendship, Maya has always made me feel seen and known, and she does this by always making sure that I know she loves me. When you learn how someone wants to receive love, you become a better villager because you care for them in a way that is meaningful and intentional.

Prune “Takers” & Cultivate “Receivers”

There are two parts to being a villager: giving and receiving. So far, I have written a lot about how to be a good “giver”. Now, I want to call attention to the specific use of “receiving” rather than “taking”. They work in fundamentally different ways. “Taking” implies self-interest or extraction from another person. There is a power imbalance between the two people that lies under the surface. Some people should be categorized as “takers” because they thrive in that unequal relationship. At their core, takers are vampires. They take and take and take for their own benefit while never actually reciprocating. While it might seem harsh, one way to become a better villager is to refuse to give to takers. This is something that I have had to learn the hard way. I have had to end friendships because all they did was take from me. Takers do not allow you to be a good villager because they leave you unable to give to anyone else but them. You can only give without expectation when you enter into a relationship with a “receiver”. A receiver is someone who receives your help and guidance when they need it, while also willing to return that same help and guidance to you. Receivers allow you to be a good villager because they do not abuse the flow of support. The most important part about cultivating affiliations with receivers is that they also allow you to receive. When you need help, it is the receivers (not the takers) who actually return the favor. In order to figure out if someone is a receiver, I look for someone who shows up, who loves loudly, and gives with expectation. (Hint: these are the exact things I wrote about in the paragraphs above!) To be a good receiver, you need to be a good giver. The relationship can only be healthy between two people who can both give and receive. Never forget that the village is only as strong as the bond between its villagers!

“It Takes a Village”

I truly believe that it takes a village. Life can be difficult, and you need people to support you through the hard times. Life can also be so much fun, and you should have people there to celebrate by your side. When you are a good villager, you can bring so much light and life to someone by showing up, by giving, and by loving them. When you are a good villager, you can truly change people’s lives. When you are a good villager, you are more loved and appreciated and cared for because you have created a strong support system through your actions. That is the power of being a villager. So, stop texting people “let me know if there is anything I can do” and start actually doing something for the people around you!