Introduction

We all experience inflection points in our lives. If you are aware enough to realize what is happening and brave enough to take action, they can help you create a better version of yourself. As 2024 is beginning to wrap up, I feel like my last inflection point is just now coming to an end. It first began during the second semester of my freshman year of university. It was a groundbreaking time in my life for both personal and professional reasons. This time taught me some difficult and valuable lessons about authenticity and relationships. During this time, I joined my sorority. The women in my sorority are some of the most genuine, ambitious, and confident women I know. Our open motto is Ta Kala Diokomen, which translates to “Let us strive for that which is honorable, beautiful, and highest”. I decided to completely embrace sorority life and their motto during this inflection point in my life. Since then, I have become a better version of myself, and it started with my journey of true self-love. In this blog post, I want to talk about the steps that helped me the most on this journey in hopes that you feel inspired to travel down this road during your next inflection point (and hint, it might be happening right now!). 

Reinvesting in Myself

Life is constantly changing, and it is never static. However, there is one thing that is always constant: you are the only person that you will have a relationship with for your entire lifespan. I know that it sounds strange, although it is very true. Take a moment to think about that. Before my latest inflection point, I was not taking my relationship with myself very seriously. Because of this, I decided that I should take all the time, energy, and effort I was putting into unsatisfying relationships into myself. I reinvested in myself. So many aspects are involved in this step, and they will appear different for everyone. I cannot tell you what will work for you because only you know yourself well enough to figure that out. I can tell you what worked for me, hopefully giving you a starting point. I set clear goals for myself surrounding things that were in my control (if you want to learn more about this, you should check out my blog post from last week!). I built healthy habits like working out, yoga, meditation, and making my bed (seriously, try it because it has made such a difference in my life). I began to journal. I set boundaries. I spent time with people who lifted me up, like my sorority sisters. I did not let others dictate my actions or thoughts, especially about myself. I started being creative again by baking, cross-stitching, and writing. Yes, this inflection point was where I originally got the idea to start a blog! I knew that it was something that I wanted to do once I was further along on my journey. And now, I am here, writing this post for you all and coming very full circle! Reinvesting in myself has taught me so much about myself: my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals, my boundaries, and so much more. Think of this step as building a foundation for your relationship with yourself. You cannot sustain a relationship with anyone without having one with yourself. 

Dodging the Second Arrow

While I just recently learned about this metaphor, I have been practicing it for a while. This metaphor comes from a Buddhist parable that teaches about suffering. The First Arrow represents the original bad event and the momentary (emotional or physical) pain we experience because of that bad event. The Second Arrow is our reaction to and repeated ruminating about that bad event or pain. I also think of the Second Arrow as my inner critic because it just wants to pull into the whirlpool of despair and hopelessness. We do not have any control over the First Arrow, but we do have control over the Second Arrow. You can learn how to not allow the Second Arrow to pierce your brain, heart, and soul. You must be brave enough to sit with the First Arrow, no matter how hard it is. You must also be smart enough to distinguish the Second Arrow from the First Arrow. As humans, we have been programmed with a negativity bias. Negativity bias puts us into analysis paralysis, and it can become difficult to move on from pain and suffering. (I have another blog post about analysis paralysis if you want to learn more about how to overcome this specifically!) We can combat the Second Arrow with awareness, gratitude, and reframing techniques. I have found Loving-Kindness (also known as Metta) Meditation to be extremely helpful when it comes to breaking down my Second Arrow. I know that meditation seems daunting at first, but I promise that it is so worth it in the long run! This step was hard for me because it was difficult for me to break this bad habit of listening to my inner critic. Sometimes, that voice in your head can be mean and loud, but remember, thoughts are not facts. We are our biggest critics, but that always means that we can be our biggest cheerleaders. If we put in the work, the Second Arrow does not cut us as it once did. 

Developing Self-Forgiveness and Self-Acceptance

It is not enough to just break down the Second Arrow. You must learn how to develop self-acceptance. Do you ever think back on something that you did in the past and feel embarrassed about that version of yourself? I know that I have. These mistakes are no longer painful (hence why they are not considered Second Arrows), although I have caught myself saying things like “God, I wish that I didn’t say that” or “That interaction was so awkward”. While it is important to gauge these comments because they help us grow from our mistakes, we should not be embarrassed about them. Everyone makes mistakes, but that does not mean that they are unworthy of love. This includes you, too! We can be so forgiving of the mistakes of others, but we can be so hard on ourselves. I love the idea of treating yourself like your best friend because it is a way for us to check ourselves when we begin to judge our past versions of ourselves too harshly. We must learn how to forgive our mistakes because it is through self-forgiveness that we obtain self-acceptance. To me, self-forgiveness looks like giving grace to my past versions of myself. This means that self-acceptance is learning to love every version of myself. These two things work together to create an inner peace. Every mistake that you have made has created the life you live today. It can be hard to see this, so I’ll give you an example. During my sophomore year in high school, I let people walk all over me. I could spend all my energy judging myself for acting like that without realizing that this mistake led to me learning about my worth in relationships. Now, I have learned how to give myself permission to be imperfect and offer myself compassion because it is through my failures that I have grown into the person I am today. This also allows me to be more kind and sympathetic to others because I have practiced giving these things to myself. My best tips for gaining self-forgiveness and self-acceptance are to explore your responsibility, commit yourself to calling out negative thought patterns, and make an active choice to move away from negativity bias. 

Conclusion

Every self-love journey is a long process. It has been almost two years since the inflection point that kicked off my latest self-love journey, and I still know that there is work to be done. At the same time, I know that I am much farther along the road and I believe that we should celebrate our successes as they come. I have put in the hard work so you can do it too. If you want easy, this blog might not be for you! I ask you do to hard things on this blog because it is the only way that we can grow and develop into better versions of ourselves. We all have it in us; we just sometimes need some extra encouragement to bring it out. I strive to be that person who pushes everyone to better themselves and to reach for what is honorable, beautiful, and highest. Throughout this journey, my sorority has always been my rock. So many of the lessons I have learned here have been from my sorority sisters. My self-love journey would not have been possible without them. I hope that by sharing them with you, you learn that this is obtainable for you too.