Introduction: Our Relationship to Control

I strive to always be honest in my blog posts, so I will confess that I have struggled with control almost my entire life. I tend to lean towards the “too much control” side of the spectrum, although it has been something that I have been trying to work on for the past couple of years. Throughout my journey, I have learned so much about the nature of control and the role that it plays in our lives. Like so many other things, we have complex relationships to control. I view control as both a reality and an illusion; yes, it is a dichotomy (like so many things in life). In this blog post, I want to talk about the dual nature of control and how you can utilize that nature to live a better life. I also want to talk about how I have tried to find a balance. 

The Reality – You Have More Control Than You Think…

When we are younger, there is so much that is out of our control. Our parents are the ones who sign us up for sports, pick our elementary schools, cook our meals, and so much more. An important part of growing up is taking control of your life. It becomes your duty and privilege to learn how to take charge of your future. You have so much more power than you realize. In January, I set some goals to accomplish in 2024. They encompass a variety of topics spanning from academics to finances to health/wellness. One of my goals was to read 50 books in a year (you can read about how I did this in another blog post). It became my responsibility to schedule time to read, prioritize reading over spending time online, and keep track of my reading goal. It is also my responsibility to hold myself accountable when I am not doing the things I told myself I would do. Control and self-discipline go hand-in-hand because you cannot have one without the other. You must learn how to rely on yourself. This also includes having to hold yourself accountable when you do not meet your goals. There are goals that I will not hit in 2024. I must understand why I did not meet them and then discover how to set myself up for success in 2025. All of this work cannot be done by other people. You have to do the work. And it is difficult. It is hard to get up and do the work you promised yourself you would do. It is hard to hold yourself accountable for your mistakes. It is hard to take control of your life. But no one is going to do it for you. It is a choice, a choice that will make you a better person. You have to choose to take control of your life right now. Don’t wait until the end of the year. Don’t wait until the end of the month. Don’t even wait until Sunday. Start now! After reading this blog post, do something today that was on your goals for 2024. It is never too late to start. 

The Illusion – …And You Have Less Control Than You Think

At first, this statement might seem scary. However, it is the truth of the matter; no one has complete control over their lives. I have been learning and relearning this lesson for almost my entire life. I want to highlight one example of this. Even before graduating high school, I knew I wanted to rush for a sorority in university. When you rush for a sorority, there is a loss of control because there is so much about the rushing process that you cannot control.  You cannot control what the sororities are looking for in new members. You cannot control if the sorority you have fallen in love with will invite you back. You cannot control what is going on behind the scenes every night. All you can do is be authentic, have a positive mindset, and trust the process (because these are all things that you can control – more on this later!). My decision to join Kappa Delta has been one of the best decisions in my life. It has changed me in ways that I cannot verbalize. I am a better version of myself because of my sorority. It has also taught me valuable lessons. One lesson is that you cannot control other people’s opinions of you. I know that there are people out there who dislike me because I am in a sorority. They judge me based on this one facet of my life without allowing me to speak about my positive experiences. I can defend sorority life until I’m blue in the face, and some people will not change their opinions. I cannot control the actions or opinions of others. Why should I care about what those people think about me? I care about the opinions of my loved ones (like my sorority sisters) and not those of people who don’t care for my best interest.  When you stop fighting for complete control in life, you can find so much peace and confidence to live authentically.

Conclusion: Finding a Balance

So, how do we deal with these two conflicting methods of control? You have to find a balance. Finding a balance is about taking ownership of the things you can control and letting go of the things you cannot control. I have been doing a lot of research into stoicism recently, and I love some of the ideas around control that the method preaches. An important concept is that you cannot always control what happens to you, but you can always control your actions, your thoughts, and your emotions. When my dad used to tell me this, I was always so confused about controlling my emotions. Here is my secret: I don’t let other people dictate my life. My life is my own. Why should I spend my mental energy and emotions on a situation that does benefit me or someone who does not have my best interests at heart? I get to decide my past, my present, and my future. I get to decide where I put my time, my talent, and my treasure. (Meditation has helped me a lot in this, too.) If I can control something, I will control it. If I cannot control something, I let it go and focus on what I can control. Once again, this is hard. I ask you to do hard things on this blog because it is the only way we can grow. So, I ask you all to review your relationship with control. Is it something that helps you in life or something that hurts you? Where do you fall along the spectrum of wanting too much control or not taking control at all? What can you do to better that relationship? These are difficult questions to ask yourself but I promise they will make all the difference.