Introduction

Family dinners have always been special to me. Some days, it is the only guaranteed time to see my whole family. It does not take long for friends to find out about my dedication to our family dinners. The most asked question I get is “What do you even talk about at family dinner?”. This question always shocks me because there is always so much to talk about (although maybe that is because I am a very talkative person). I love getting to talk about my day with my family and getting to hear about theirs’ in return. When I was younger, my parents established six questions that we always had to answer during family dinner, no matter what our day looked like. Whether it was a home-cooked meal at our kitchen table or eating take-out in the car on the way home, these questions were foundational to the way that my family ate dinner together. Inside of each of these six simple questions, there are lessons about life hidden inside. While they might appear to be easy questions that my parents created to get their children to open up to them, I believe that they are more than that. Like a walnut, it takes some energy to get to the delicious heart of these questions. I would like to share these questions with you all today and discuss the way that these questions have changed the way that I move about the world.

How was your day?

I think this is one of the most asked questions ever. It is such a simple question, but it can hide or reveal so much. Many times, we are asked this as we are breezing past people we remember from an event or as a simple conversation starter before getting to the main topic. However, when did truly knowing how your loved ones are doing become so causal? I have lied to this question more often than I care to admit. Whether it was because it might be interpreted as impolite or unprofessional, I caught myself saying “I’m well” even though I was not. While I do not deny that there are times when it would be appropriate to lie, I argue that there are more times when we must be honest with ourselves and with the people in our lives. There is a time to unburden our hearts to our loved ones. 

I used to answer this simple question only with the typical answer. However, once my family began every dinner by answering how our days were, it became important to me to answer honestly. It gets boring to answer “good” or “well” or “great” every day. There is an entire thesaurus at my disposal so why not use it? Sometimes, my day is fascinating or challenging or amusing. It can be inspiring or tedious or exhausting. Whatever word I choose, I want it to have meaning beyond politeness. I don’t want to hide my truth because answering simply (and boringly) is customary. When we hide the special or difficult parts of our lives, it hurts not only us but the people around us. We should aim to always be truthful with each other and the more we do it, the easier it becomes. My family is always receptive to my honesty about my day. By being truthful in this opening question, it establishes a foundation of trust and acceptance between family members. We can rely on each other when our days are strenuous and celebrate when our days are invigorating. This question also reveals more about a person’s energy levels and emotional bandwidth. It helped my parents know if I wanted to talk about my day or if I needed time to process it. It can be a door to establishing a better family unit. Who knew such a simple question could have so much power? 

What was the best part of your day?

Every personality test I have ever taken has said I am an optimist. A lot of time, people think that it is my natural state although it is something that I have had to work for. In the past, I have let my life be ruled by negativity, anxiety, and sadness. Now, I don’t blame myself for feeling this way. Our brains were programmed to sense fear, even fear that is not there. It was beneficial for our ancestors to be neurotic creatures because they were literally fighting for their lives. Even now, when we have all the comforts of modern life, that does not stop our brains from worrying excessively. Our brains have not caught up to our reality. It is not beneficial for us to be at the same levels of anxiety as our ancestors. Our negativity that was once an adaption is now a hindrance. While it is easy to let negative emotions control us, we have the power to change that. There is a normal level of fear to have, especially as a young woman. Fear can be a powerful tool although it can also be a detriment. I could miss out on opportunities and deny myself a chance to grow into a better version of myself. I could overlook relationships that might bring so much positivity into my life. I could miss the beauty of the world I live in. I desire more from life than negativity.

I have worked hard to become an optimist. I do not allow my anxiety to take over. By no means am I saying that it is easy to stop being negative. It is a conscious choice that I make every single day. By routinely asking yourself what was the best part of your day, it shifts your mindset to look for the good things. I try to have a positive moment every single day and I admit that some days it is easier than others. When my days are amazing, the best part of the day is my favorite moment with a friend, a good grade on an essay I worked really hard on, or answering a phone call at work without help. Even my bad days have something good hidden in them like my sorority group chat making me laugh or a sweet treat at Kaldis after classes. Do you remember those Lokai bracelets? The ones with mud from the Dead Sea and water from Mt. Everest? (And yes, I did have like five of those bracelets.) I think about this question in the same way. When I am having a good day, it reminds me to be grateful. When I am having a bad day, it reminds me to look for the good in life. This question is always there to remind me of what is important in life.

What was the worst part of your day?

I will admit that I did not like this question for a long time because most of the time, the worst part of my day was a time that I failed. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to hide my failures from everyone. I wanted to never think about my mistakes. Although, if you never think about your failures, you will never grow. What changes this question from one of ruminating on your failures to one of growing from failures is a person’s mindset. My favorite podcast (Self Obsessed) has taught me so much about changing my mindset around failure. My failures tell me that this path is not met for me. If I had not been cut from the volleyball team in my sophomore year, I would have never joined the golf team and met Naomi (who is one of my favorite people and continues to teach me so much). To join my current sorority, I had to fail at joining all the other sororities. To write a fabulous essay for my college classes, I had to fail at other essays in middle school or high school. The worst part of my day could one day be the thing that creates the best part of my day.

A part of accepting my imperfections was taking a look at the way that I talked to myself. I want to propose a chunk of research that I find super interesting. This research takes a look at addicts and their self-narratives around their addiction after becoming sober. In the study of personality, there is something called self-narratives which is the life story that people tell themselves. Research has shown that newly sober addicts (usually around six months) whose self-narratives included the theme of self-redemption were substantially more likely to remain sober during future follow-up meetings with researchers. The self-redemption theme follows the idea that an initial negative state is “redeemed” by good states later on. An important part of this is that a person must recognize the negative part of their life story to make a positive change in their current life. These addicts had to realize that their excessive use of drugs or alcohol was wrong and damaging before they created tangible change in their lives and the lives of their loved ones. I strive to live my life with the theme of agency which emphasizes my accomplishments and the ability to control my fate. It allows me to celebrate my achievements while also striving to better myself from my mistakes. It allows me to think about my mistakes but does not let me beat myself up about them. I ask you all to reflect on the themes that you find in your self-narrative. Do they help you become a better version of yourself?

Who did you sit with at lunch?

As someone who has spent the last year of her life working with college first-years, I can definitively tell you that the most asked question is “How fast will I make friends at college?”. I totally understand the fear behind this question because I lived it. My answer is always the same. There will be friends that you make early on although I always recommend you stay open to new connections. I have been extremely lucky to experience both kinds of friendship. I always tell first-year students to try talking to people in their classes because that is how I met Meris. Meris and I literally met during the first day of classes at WashU. We were instant friends. Our friendship has only strengthened with time. He has stood by me during all of my challenges these past two years, and I could not ask for a better friend. It can be scary to put yourself out there, especially when you are in a new environment. It is easy to lock yourself in your room and avoid new people. However, if I had not taken a chance and started up a conversation with a stranger about our favorite Shakespeare plays, I never would met Meris.

I know a lot of people who stop making new friends once they have their set friend group in college. However, I believe that it is important to always be open to new people. Being in a sorority has taught me this valuable lesson so many times. There will be sisters who graduate every year. There will also be new sisters joining every year. It has taught me the importance of loving your current friends while also keeping your heart open for new sisters. I would love to talk about my sorority sister and friend Sarah. Sarah joined my sorority through COB (continuous open bidding) in October 2023. Our friendship really blossomed during Recruitment in January 2024. We were there to support each other during the long days and late nights of being overly social. She continues to be my rock when stress is high. She keeps me focused while also reminding me to take breaks to hang out (usually with her). I am so excited to room with Sarah when I come back from London. I would definitely laugh less without Sarah in my life. Sarah has taught me the importance of always saving a seat for a new friend at my metaphorical lunch table. There is always room at my lunch table for all my friends, old and new. All I want is a lively and loving lunch table.

Who did you play with during recess?

I love the word “play”. There is this connotation of childhood in the word. The idea that playing is something that we did in the past when we could not tie our own shoelaces. As a child, play was an obvious part of our days. My family always had a break between school and homework so that my siblings and I could play with Legos or run around outside. A time to move your body and not take life so seriously. In the early years of education, play was built into our schedules from art classes to hands-on science experiments. Recess was a constant source of joy, relaxation, and (of course) play. So many memories are made on the soccer field or the monkey bars or your neighborhood streets. Sometimes if you are lucky, this time of play can be a place to make a lifelong friend on the blacktop with the help of some hula hoops (too niche, Maya?). Play is extremely important in early childhood development because it aids children in developing social skills, critical thinking strategies, independence, and so much more. 

Play promotes development, which is another way of saying it promotes growth. So why does play stop when you are a child when growth does not? I argue that play is just as important to adults as it is to children. There are so many ways to implement play into your daily life. Now, my recesses include time with friends like chatting with Meris about the book we are reading for our Classics Book Club (check out last week’s blog post for more about our book club). I loved to do crafts when I was younger so now, I cross-stitch, and make little projects for my friends and family. My love of reading has never changed, just the content of the books. In the past, I wrote stories about characters who lived in faraway lands. Now, I write about my own life in St. Louis. These hobbies teach me the importance of patience, dedication, and self-indulgence. There is no shame in continuing to play, even as an adult. This question encourages us all to take some time out of busy days for ourselves and do something we love or spend time with the people we love outside of daily chores.

What is one thing you learned today?

I always joke that I will try anything twice although it is very true. My parents raised me to be a lifelong learner. It started when I was little. My mom lied to me that all meat was chicken (since that was one of the only things that I would eat). While I am sure that one of my mom’s goals was to get me to eat something other than chicken tenders, her other goal was to encourage me to try new things. My education was so much more than just good grades on my report card. From soccer to gymnastics, my parents signed me up for any sport that they could (and that I wanted to try). Before every vacation, they would buy me a new book or two to read on the trip. At my grandmother’s house, my siblings and I would watch PBS Kids with our after-school snack. My mom would buy us Simple Solutions books to keep our minds sharp during summer vacation. It was important for my parents that we were always learning something whether that was in the classroom or outside of it. Even my parent’s answers would teach me something like when my mom would talk about new treatments for cardiovascular diseases. Because of that, this has always been my favorite question because I walk away from a family dinner with at least four new nuggets of information.

This question is easy when you are young, when everything you learn at school is something new and exciting. Although, when you get older, I think that we tend to become stagnant. It can become easy to stop looking for opportunities to learn. This past summer, I worked a lot, and much of my job surrounded information I already knew although that did not stop me from learning new things. There are always new things to learn; you just have to get better at finding them and I got really good at finding them this summer. I began to listen to more podcasts and audiobooks on different topics. I learned how to make biscuits and lavender simple syrup with my mom. I acted like a tourist in my own city and went inside The Arch, saw almost every show at The Muny, and spent an afternoon at Grant’s Farm with my little cousin. Because of my desire to always learn something new, this summer has been so rewarding. I have loved every moment of it and it was a nice way to soak up some time in St. Louis before heading to London to study abroad next semester (where I am sure to learn lots)! I encourage everyone to learn something new this week. From a new restaurant to a new book genre, there is always something out there for you to learn and share at your next family dinner.

Conclusion

As you might be able to tell, there is lots to talk about at family dinners in my house! I absolutely love these questions and my family still uses them to chat about our days, even with my siblings and me in college now. These questions pop up in my life outside of family dinners too. I ask my friends a version of these questions because it helps me deepen my relationships with the people I love. They make great questions to ask PMNs (potential new members) during Recruitment with my sorority. I also use them as journal prompts. Maybe you should try out these six simple questions at your next dinner party. They are sure to teach you a lot about the people you love!